How does a once emotionally-strong woman become unmotivated to not get out of bed and shower each morning, who chooses to cry or be angry all the time, is always unhappy or stressed-out and unable to cope with her life as a divorced mom?
If this description of an unhappy divorced mom sounds like you, it is because you feel unloved, disempowered, unmotivated and emotionally triggered by your ex because you have not effectively grieved the loss of your marriage yet. Unfortunately, not allowing yourself to properly grieve will keep you emotionally stuck and feeling like a victim who’s unable to cope and move on from your divorce pain. The victim behaviour you are experiencing are all symptoms of “divorce denial”.
What is divorce denial?
Divorce denial is the very first stage of the divorce grieving process. Every divorced person who wants to heal from their divorce must take the time to properly grieve the loss of their marriage relationship. This is the only way you can restore your self-worth and confidence in order to move on and accept your new role as divorced mom.
Often when confronted with the reality of divorce, there are basically two ways you can choose to deal with your divorce reality. You can FIGHT BACK and confront your problems by taking ownership of them or you can RUN AWAY and choose to avoid them by staying in denial! Hence, the “victim-like” mentality.
Why does divorce denial happen?
It can happen for one of these 3 reasons:
1. you choose to deny that your divorce is actually happening
2. you choose to avoid the truth about your spouse’s unhappiness
3. you refuse to admit that you have serious problems with your marriage
If you’re in divorce denial it could be because of any of these common fears that many divorced moms have. Ask yourself these questions…
Do I feel anxious about my future as a divorced woman?
Do I lack the self-confidence and stamina to be a good single mom?
Am I afraid of raising my children with little/no financial support?
Am I afraid of being alone all my life and not finding love again?
If you’re experiencing these fears and negative emotions know that they are very common and normal fears for divorced moms. However, remaining a victim of your divorce should not be! It’s completely understandable that having to embrace all the new changes, responsibilities and divorce stress would make anyone feel angry, anxious or depressed or feel like a victim. It may even seem like the safer or easier option so people will feel sorry for you and give you their time and energy. And, you might even believe that being a victim of divorce is less stressful than having to confront your challenges on your own. But, it’s not! In fact, you would actually be complicating your situation even further by adding additional stress to your life and the lives of your children!
The ultimate price you are paying for remaining a victim of your divorce and staying in divorce denial, will not only cause you more unhappiness and continue to keep you emotionally stuck in fear and emotional pain, but it will emotionally damage your children and negatively effect other people you love too! Because every decision you make directly impacts everyone’s life that you touch, not just your own – ie. your children, your family, your ex, your friends, your co-workers, relatives, neighbors, etc.
So I will leave you with this thought to ponder…”what kind of example are you setting for your children – particularly your daughter(s)?” Will they learn how to overcome adversity and life’s challenges as a strong, confident, independent woman? Or will they learn that when life gets hard you should just give up and devote all your energy into making it someone else’s responsibility instead of taking ownership yourself?
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