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A Finalized Divorce Might Make You Happy, But It Won’t KEEP You Happy!

Updated: Jun 30

Many divorced moms mistakenly think that the happiness they experience after finalizing their divorce is from finally being “emotionally free” from their ex.  Unfortunately, I hate to throw a monkey wrench into that belief, but it is not!  The reason I say it is not is because negative emotions cannot be turned off and positive emotions cannot be turned on without doing the necessary emotional healing work first. 


If you’re a divorced mom whose divorce just became final, you're probably feeling happy right now based on the freedom you're feeling from either:

  • the ending of a long, drawn-out, stressful legal battle

  • no longer having to pay expensive lawyers

  • no longer having to deal with your unreasonable ex

When you’re free from all that stress, of course it’s easy to experience instant gratification and feelings of happiness.  However, the happiness you're experiencing is only temporary.  Real, long-lasting authentic happiness requires self-commitment and divorce healing work!  And, unfortunately, there’s no way to avoid either one of these things - if you really want to be happy!  Nor is there a quick-fix, gummy bear or “magic pill” you can take either to avoid doing the self healing work. 


Wanting to achieve an emotional health goal is no different than wanting to achieve a physical health goal.  For example, let’s say you wanted to lose 30 pounds and you finally reach your goal, you'll be really happy because you feel better, you can fit into your old clothes again and people will compliment you on how good you look. You have a new-found confidence in yourself.  However, if you don’t take the time to learn how to maintain healthy eating habits and heal the negative emotions that made you over eat in the first place, you can count on gaining those pounds back again!  And, your unhappiness will return because you didn't heal the emotional triggers that caused you to eat unhealthy in the first place.  Similarly, improving your emotional health works the exact same way!


I don’t want to kill any joy you are experiencing right now after finally finalizing your divorce.  Instead, my intention is to spare you any future disappointment when you still have to co-parent with a difficult ex and find yourself continuously getting emotionally triggered by him/her.  Remember, the negative emotions you experienced after years of abuse, neglect and unhappiness don’t magically disappear because you got a piece of paper saying you are officially divorced now.  The heart keeps holding on to pain and trauma that you experienced throughout your marriage until you do the healing work to release it. 


Also, many divorced moms make another common mistake by thinking that as soon as they step into a new romantic relationship that all their pain and trauma from their divorce will be replaced with feelings of happiness by this new person.  Once again, all you’ll experience is temporary happiness.  Eventually, once all the excitement from this new relationship begins to become the new "norm", all unresolved negative emotions from your divorce will rise to the surface again and get triggered by this new person each time they do, say or act the same way your ex did.


That is why is not uncommon for many divorced moms who do not take the necessary time to properly heal and grieve from their divorce to wind up attracting a similar partner like their ex into their lives.  Before long, they are back to being unhappy again and don’t understand why.  The secret to ever-lasting, authentic happiness after divorce, is to take the necessary time to self-heal.  It’s the only way you’ll be able to put your painful past behind you, once and for all, and move on to a better, happier, healthier life for you and your children.  Trust me!!

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